was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
