a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
