Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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