in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
