He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize