My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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