I CAN MOONWALK!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
