there was a trapeze. enough said
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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