dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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