omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
