I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
