he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
