That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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