if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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