It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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