I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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