Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
my god I love twenty year old dicks
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
