i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Ketchup is God's man juice
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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