my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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