Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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