her vagine was all disorganized.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
