worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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