How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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