Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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