So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
