Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize