Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
