I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
