If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
