So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
