im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
