I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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