every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
