I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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