Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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