I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
