well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
