she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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