So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
