Nicole vs. Life
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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