I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
