In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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