Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
