...so i touched it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I wish there were birth control emojis
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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