Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want her autograph on my taint
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
