Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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