I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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