I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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