I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
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