True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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