My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
