I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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