just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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