I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
