Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
