porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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