Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I believe in your delicious
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
