If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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